The Barbeque
by MrTennek
Summary: Vegeta holds his annual barbeque get together and Goku shows up and screws it up as usual.


DBZ - The Barbeque

Gohan + Chichi - (having breakfast in the kitchen)

Goku - (comes barging in like a madman waving a flyer) Hey guys, you'll never believe what we got in the mail!

Gohan - That check from the government to compensate for your sheer stupidity?

Goku - Well yeah, that came too-- But...What I am holding here...Is an invite to Vegeta's and Bulma's upcoming barbaque extravaganza!

Chichi - Wow! We've never been invited to that before; that's a new one!

Gohan - Yeah! (takes the flyer and looks through it) Hey wait a minute dad, why does it say 'To Tien and Chaotzu' on here?

Goku - Don't worry about that.

(meanwhile...)

Tien - Well Chaotzu, today's the day!

Chaotzu - Oh boy Tien, I can hardly wait! Lets go outside and bring it in!

Tien - I sure will little buddy! (goes outside and sees that theres no invitation to the BBQ for them) What the--

Chaotzu - What's wrong Tien?

Tien - I-- I don't know Chaotzu, I can't seem to find the invite anywhere around here!

Chaotzu - (chuckles nervously) Oh, it must've fallen somewhere.

Tien - No...No, there's nothing here. How-- How the f can this be, we've been invited to the Brief's BBQ for the past 30 years, how the hell do we not get one now!

Chaotzu - Well now Tien buddy, just calm down and lets talk things over a bit--

Tien - No. NO! THIS WHOLE DAY IS RUINED! Go back inside, and get ready for another beating.

Chaotzu - Oh God no, please Tien!

Tien - (with a paddle and whip in hand) I SAID GET INSIDE!

(back at Goku's house)

Goku - Heh, they probably won't even notice it's missing!

Chichi - So, do we have to bring anything over to there of our own?

Goku - Don't you worry your pretty little head about that Chichi, I've already gotten a whole meal prepared for just the occaison!

(cut to a shot of a mouldy old rotten loaf of baloney bread)

Goku - Now then, where's the Tylenol around here; I've had a bitch of a head-  
ache for the past couple of hours!

Chichi - Oh it's upstairs in the bathroom. It's the one in the blue bott--

Goku - (long gone)

Chichi - --le...

Gohan - Heh, that can't be good.

Goku - (swallows a bunch of pills from a random bottle) (looks down at the label,  
which reads 'Female Hormone Pills')...Oh f(beep).

(later on)

Goku - (enters the backyard wearing an old-styled suit and tophat)

Vegeta - Kakarott, why the hell did you come over here dressed up in Vaudevillian clothing and attire.

Goku - Actually, I was hoping someone around here could tell me. You see, earlier this afternoon I accidentally took some off Chichi's hormone pills, and since then I can't remember f-all!

Vegeta - Yeah well, I was wondering why you were prancing around my garden earlier in the nude while singing 'I Feel Pretty' and chugging a can of refried beans.

Goku - Oh no, that was just my regular morning exercise routine! (chuckles) That had nothing to do with the drugs!

Vegeta - Right. Remind me later to file charges against you with the police.

Goku - Will do little buddy! And hey, to make it up to you, I brought you this nice bean dinner I made for myself last week!

Vegeta - (sarcastically) Wow Kakarot, thank you...A half eaten plate of beans assorted vegetables, and what appears to be nothing more than your very own saliva. I don't know what to say.

Goku - Don't have to say much of anything, just dig in!

Vegeta - Sure will bud. (throws the plate in the nearby trash can) Oh geez,  
what a slip of the hand. My bad.

Goku - Ah, here, I'll get it out for you!

Vegeta - Oh could you? (lights and throws a match inside of the trashcan)  
Whoops, and now I lit it on fire. I'm such a butterfingers!

Goku - Ah, no harm no foul! Now it's...(holds up the flaming platter of beans)  
Bean's a la Broule!

Krillin - (enters the backyard) Heya there Vegeta! Nice little shindig you got going he-- (notices Goku) Oh...Hey Goku...Didn't expect to see you here. (whispering to Vegeta) YOU TOLD ME THAT HE WASN'T GOING TO BE COMING HERE TODAY!

Vegeta - (sighs loudly) That's what I thought too.

Krillin - Wonderful. Just wonderful. So then, where's the booze around here? If I'm gonna be stuck with Goku for the next several hours,  
I might as well get shit-faced in the process.

Vegeta - Off to your right.

Krillin - Superb. (leaves for the alcohol)

Goku - Boy, it sure is hot out here! (takes his shirt off, revealing a huge tattoo reading 'I LOVE WEINERS' on his chest in pink writing) OH, GODAMMIT!

Vegeta - Wow Kakarott, and those things never come off.

Piccolo - (walks by) Hey Goku, awesome tattoo there! Glad to see you're finally coming open about your sexuality! GAY-POWER!

(everyone stares at him)

Goku - Wow.

Piccolo - Pardon me while I go jump into moving traffic. (leaves)

Vegeta - Well...This is going well so far. I've got a retard with a gay slogan tattooed onto his chest, a midget with a alcohol problem,  
and a homosexual Namekian. This is just what I had hoped for.

Freeza - Hey, got any room for a cross-dressing, overly feminine, male villian here?

(everyone prepares to blast Freeza way)

Freeza - (teary eyed) FINE! I DON'T WANT TO BE IN YOUR STUPID PARTY ANYWAY! I'll just go join the 'Villain's Anonymous Get-Together'  
instead.

(meanwhile, at Villain's anonymous)

Cell - ...

Majin Buu - ...

Nappa - ...

Radditz - ...

Cell - ...Uh...So yesterday...Yesterday Android 17 called me and was all like, "Where's my money bitch!", you know, like he always is-- and I was all like, "It's where yo momma left it!"-- and he was all like,  
"Oh no you didn't!", and I was all like, "Oh yeah I did!", and he was all pissed and like-- (gets incinerated by Buu)

Radditz - Well great, there goes another villain. I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE NEVER INVITED BUU OVER HERE!

Buu - Meh. (consumes all of them) ... (belch)

(back at teh OMGWTFBBQ)

Vegeta - Alright, I might as well put those steaks on the grill now.

Krillin - Yeah, why don't you do that Vegieburger!

Vegeta - What did you just call me.

Krillin - (burps) I feel drunk...(falls out of his chair)

#18 - OH DEAR LORD!

Vegeta - Ah, Android 18, so nice that you could make it here today--

#18 - WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING SERVING KRILLIN ALCOHOL?  
You know that he's a recovering addict!

Vegeta - Yeah, that's what makes it so funny to watch-- One down, ten more to go! (starts laughing)

Gohan - So dad, how're you feeling now?

Goku - Oh, much better Gohan. Much, much better. Except, this seat of mine is awfully damned hot I tell ya!

Vegeta - (glances over) (approaches Goku slowly) That's probably because you're sitting on my Goddamned grill you complete pea-brained dumbass of a fing buffoon.

Goku - (looks down) Wow! I was starting to wonder what that searing pain I kept feeling up my ass was!

Vegeta - Great. Well, while I go and disinfect this barbeque with bleach and tylex, you people can help yourselves to some of those oaurderves I specially prepared this morning.

(incorrect spelling of oeurderve #1)

Goku - If you think I'll touch anything you prepared after tasting your snacks back at the dinner party last year, you must take me for a complete and utter moron.

Vegeta - Well I do, so dig in!

Goku - Okay! (takes a bite out of the oeurdourve) Wow! This is quite good here Vege-boy! Crispy and with a nice zesty finish!

Yamacha - Yeah Vegeta, these are great! What did you make them out of.

Vegeta - A bunch of biscotti, jalapeno peppers, and rancid tomato sauce.

Yamacha - Huh. Well then, excuse me for one moment as I go to the nearest hospital to get my stomach pumped.

Goku - No worries Yamacha! I got one right here! (pulls out a long pump and shoves it in his mouth) (hits a switch turning the long tube on)

Vegeta - Kakarot, that's just a old vaccumm cleaner that you plastered the the words 'Stumak Pump' to. And you didn't even spell the word stomach right!

Goku - Well that would explain the severe pain I'm feeling inside of me right now.

Vegeta - No, that's probably the large spatula that's somehow impaled through your torso.

Goku - Oh no, I've had that for ages! It's my birthmark!

Vegeta - That's got to be the most idiotic answer I've ever gotten in my entire life.

Goku - Well, you know what they say: Two's a dozen, but five makes a plenty!

Vegeta - I stand corrected.

Bulma - (enters) Alright guys, here I am!

Vegeta - Where the F have you been for the past hour! Do you have any idea what I've had to endure down here!

Bulma - I had to put my makeup on. You know how long it takes a woman to do that! (smiles)

Vegeta - Yeah, well not every woman has to wear ten pounds of whore makeup before going out.

Bulma - (stabs a spatula through Vegeta's head)

Krillin - (stumbling through the backyard with #18 helping him walk) WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE EFFING BURGERS I ASKED FOR! VEGETA, I GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!

Vegeta - Oh yeah you drunkard midget, come get some!

Krillin - HIYAH! (tries to kick Vegeta in the face, but somehow ends up flying backwards and into a tank of propane; blowing himself and #18 up)

Goku - Well now, that's not something you see every day.

Yamacha - Actually, it is. Try living next to him!

Chichi - You're telling me that he somehow flies into a tank of propane in a drunken fit and blows himself up every day?

Yamacha - More like every minute.

Vegeta - Alright, the steaks are ready. Everybody get your sorry asses over here and sit them down...And prepare for a mouth-watering meal!

(everyone cheers and sits down)

Vegeta - Now then, who wants beef and who wants chick--

Goku - Hold on just a minute there Vege-boy. I have a short speech here that I'd like to read out, before we partake in this bountiful meal of meats and assorted byproducts.

Vegeta - Goku, there is no way in hell you're reading a Goddamned--

Goku - (reading from a small sheet of paper) Dearest friends, as we all sit down and prepare to eat our meal today, I would like to read to you a short memoir which I wrote for all of you earlier in the day while I was in a hormone induced coma. (clears his throat) I don't know much about cooking, God knows you're all well aware of that by now...But...Well, you know how the saying goes, you take a couple apples and you get a peach back. I think that really rings true to this situation. When I was young my father used to take me to dancing lessons, as he had always dreamed that I become a balerina like him and all of his effeminite Saiyan friends. Though it wasn't until I felt a sharp pain in my crotch-region that I had to stop. You know those candied apples? I've never seen what the whole fuss about them is. You know, it's candy and it's an apple, two things that you can easily buy at a corner store, and yet people eat 'em together at county fairs. And the prices, whoo-wee! 6 fing dollars for a Goddamned candied apple. You know, back in my day, we would have to candy our own apples! And that brings me to another point in regards to farm animals. I have always felt a close bond to animals, more than likely due to the time I served on a farm back in 19 odd 80; we called it odd because we had nothing better to do back then. Anyways, I always used to talk to animals when I worked there, and they sent me off to get help. I...I don't have any qualms with the Chinese...But seriously, the whole fried prawns business has to go...I mean,what is up with that? And those friggen tiny ice-cream dishes they serve, YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE IT TO A CHILD IT'S SO SMALL! It's like the wise old saying goes, you don't give a donkey more than it can chew! Or...Maybe...Maybe it was a horse, I don't know-- but-- No wait...(looks through his papers) Maybe it was a dog...

Yamacha - What in the hell is he going on about...

Piccolo - I don't know, he lost me after the part about something to do with chickens.

Yamacha - Chickens! I don't even remember that part!

Goku - No! I was right the first time! It was in fact a honkey! Heheheheh!  
Silly old me...

Vegeta - Kakarot.

Goku - Yyyyyyes Vegeta?

Vegeta - How much longer is that speech of yours, and where the hell are you going with it.

Goku - Oh, about fifty more minutes. Heh, I crammed a lot into it!

Vegeta - What-- HOW THE HELL WERE YOU ABLE TO FIT ALL OF THAT ONTO SUCH A TINY LITTLE SLIP OF PAPER!

Goku - I...I write very small?

Vegeta - GIVE ME THAT! (looks at the sheet of paper) What-- This is just a bunch of squiggle lines and happy faces!

Goku - Yeah, I kind of lost track of what I was doing and...Anyways, like I was saying...About the ostrich and the bison...I've always been a man who loves the feel of silk against his body. Call me what you want, but who can blame a man for wanting the luxurious sheen of a soft fabric rubbing against his crotch. Why, it reminds of a time when I--

(TWO HOURS LATER)

Goku - ...And I spanked him! I spanked and spanked and spanked him until he gave me the right type of cheese that I wanted! I tell you, store employees know nothing about serving customers anymore nowadays. Which brings me to another point in regards to--

Vegeta - LETS...EAT!

Goku - Fine, I'll finish my story later on. There's this really great part where this Chinese guy from Hong-Kong whaps me over the head with a fried--

Vegeta - KAKAROT!

Goku - Alright! Oh yeah, I almost forgot-- (reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small shaker of some type of spice) I brought this!

Vegeta - What in God's name is that.

Goku - It's some delicious spices that you can add to your meats! Try 'em out everyone, they're really good!

Vegeta - No thank you, I'll pass.

Yamacha - Hey, pass some of that over here, this meat is kind of bland as it is.

Vegeta - (face turns red)

Yamacha - I mean-- It's really great and all, but...it...it could use some sort of spice or...some...Goku, just pass the frickin shaker already.

Goku - Alright! Gotta warn you though, I'm not that good of a throw.

Yamacha - No Goku, just pass it over to--

Goku - Here I go! (throws the shaker up into the air, where the lid flips off and the spicy powder disperses everywhere and into everyones eyes)

Vegeta - OH MY GOD, MY EYES!

Yamacha - (collapses to the floor) AGGGGHHHHHH, IT BURNS!

Piccolo - (falls backwards) OH THE HUMANITY!

Krillin - (on the floor and screaming drunkenly)

Goku - See guys, what did I tell ya; It's delicious!

(two hours and one huge bill later at the nearby emergency clinic)

Goku - (sitting on a chair reading a health magazine) Pfft, low-carb diet my fat Saiyan hairy ar--

Doctor - Mister Goku?

Goku - (stands up) Yes?

Doctor - My name is Doctor Vee Vinikis; I'm the one in charge of all your friends who came in here earlier tonight with eye prob--

Goku - Hehehehehehe, you're name sounds like Vinegar!

Doctor - Um...Yes...Anyways, I--

Goku - Hahahahaha-- Vee Vinegar! What a riot!

Doctor - Like I was saying...

Goku - (laughing uncontrollably) Hey, can you pass the vinegar!

Doctor - SIR!

Goku - HAHAHAHA-- Oh, sorry.

Doctor - (sighs) As I was saying...Your friends all suffered serious damage to their eyes from that powder you accidentally dispersed. The good news is though that they'll all see again...sooner or later...The bad news is that they'll be blind for the next few weeks, and in a great deal of facial pain--

Goku - Well that's just super. Say Doctor, what can you tell me about female hormone pills? Cause you see, I kinda took some earlier in the day,  
and I've been feeling kinda funky ever since! I'm getting these little lumps on my chest and my groiny-toidy feels weird.

Doctor - You're 'groiny-toidy'? I'm sorry?

Goku - My dingdong and walnuts.

Doctor - Oh...Well sir, if a man takes estrogen pills, he will proceed to grow breast and a vagina within a few hours afterwards. Though the long term effects, like changing vocal pitch and etcetera, can be much more serious and life threateni-- Mist-- Mister Goku?

(Goku is long gone)

Doctor - ...

(in the clinic room)

Goku - Hey everybody! I brought you all some get well cards to help you with your recovery! And to ease any thoughts of suing me...Cause I ain't got no damn money!

Vegeta - Oh gee...Thanks Kakarot...Thanks for the birthday card...

Yamacha - Oh yeah, 'Congradulations on the Twins'; thanks Goku.

Goku - Well, you know me-- I can't read and don't have the money for any good ones!

Piccolo - Well it's the thought that counts...I guess...Oh what the f am I talking about.

Goku - Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know...from the bottom of my heart...That it was Yamacha's fault that this happened.

Yamacha - WHAT! YOU THREW THE FRIGGEN STUFF RIGHT UP IN THE AIR!  
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GOT IT IN EVERYONE'S EYES!

Goku - Yes, but you were the one who asked for me to pass it.

Yamacha - I was right in front of you...You could have just handed it to me!

Goku - Well, regardless, it's still your fault. But hey, forgive and forget right? Now, since your all gonna be here for the next few weeks recouperating,  
I thought I'd spend the entire time finishing reading my memoirs to you!

(sounds of gunshots)

Goku - Now then, where was I off-- (looks around)

(everone has committed suicide)

Goku - Wow. I guess it's how they say; them's the breaks! (winks)

AND TEH MORAL OF TODAYS STORY IS: DON'T BRING SPICES TO A FRIENDS BARBEQUE BECAUSE YOU MIGHT END UP BLINDING THEM ALL!

THE END! OO

Authors First Note: (shakes his head in utter disbelief)

Authors Second Note: I bear no responsibility for any brain damage inflicted by actually reading Goku's entire speech during the BBQ scene...Nor do I bear any for mad Chinese people over the comments of prawns and ice-cream...But seriously,  
you people gotta start making those dishes bigger...

Authors Third Note: What the-- THERE IS NO THIRD NOTE YOU FOOL!

Authors Fourth Note: Alright, seriously, you're fired. 


End file.
